Memorandum: To All Employee Runners

FOR:  All Employee Runners

Date:  May 6, 2013

EFFECTIVE : Immediately

DRESS CODE/PAY INCREASE:

1.  It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Newton Running Shoes and using a Garmin 910XT or a Soleus 3.0 GPS watch, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a pay raise.

2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay raise.

3. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a pay raise.

SICK DAYS/ABSENCES

We will no longer accept a doctor’s certificate as proof of sickness/injury due to running. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

HOLIDAY DAYS

1.  Filing of vacation or emergency leave to rest for a couple of days prior or after your running a marathon/ultramarathon will no longer be accepted.

2.  Requesting to work under-time to attend a carbo-loading party,  press/bloggers race launch,  catch an out-of-town race or meeting with friends for a run prior to closing of office hours will no longer be allowed. Likewise, an employee who arrives a minute late will be considered absent that day.

Remember that each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

COMPASSIONATE LEAVE

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers who died because they were hit by a speeding truck while running or succumb to a heart attack while doing so. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangement.

In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

STRETCHING

Stretching your muscles, doing contortions on any part of your body and performing other forms of exhibitionism will no longer be tolerated in the office premises. Likewise, running up and down the stairs of our office building should be stopped immediately. Our building is not a track and field oval nor is it a vertical run route.

TOILET USE

1.  Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet after you leave the office specially when changing to your running attire when you go for a run. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the cubicles.

2.  At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle door will open, and your picture will be taken whether you are caught with your shorts down or still fitting your jogging bras.

3.  After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company notice board under the “Chronic Offenders” category.

4.  Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company’s mental health policy.

LUNCH BREAK

1. Skinny people (those who habitually run marathons or ultra marathons) get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.

2.  Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

3.  Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time needed to drink iced-green tea.

INTERNET ACCESS

1.  Access to internet sites will now be limited. If an employee is caught browsing running websites or blogs like Takbo.ph, Pinoy Fitness, i Run Far, Baldrunner, Runblogger, Running Shoes Guru, The Trail Running Blog, CoolRunning and most specially Jazzrunner–even on their personal laptops, tablets or cell-phones, they will be reprimanded for first offense and warned accordingly. Subsequent offenses will be suspension for up to a month, without salary.

2.  At any time an employee is caught uploading pictures or posting a status of his/her running exploits at Facebook, Twitter or Instagram, their employment will outright be terminated and all benefits due them will be forfeited!

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are an employer of equal opportunity and we are here to provide a positive employment experience that cares for your physical well-being and promotes an active and healthy lifestyle.

Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations and whinings about PRs, running shoes, diet, LSD training, marathons, ultras, CLPs, cross-fit training, trail running, running bras, loot bags, etc. should be directed elsewhere!

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14 responses to “Memorandum: To All Employee Runners

    • This supersedes the first one Zaldy! Dami na kasi ultra runners ngayun kaya pati sila nkasama na! 🙂

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